I'll even leave the blog

I gave up
I gave up on happiness
I gave up on love
I gave up on smiling
Just love the dark
I'll leave blogger, just as i left online gaming and facebook
I don't need people who ain't real
I don't need people with mental issues
I do not wish everyone in this fuckin planet happiness
I really wish from the bottom of my heart that you suffer the 5% I've been suffering, so you could understand how I feel.

More news

2012 it's the return of the nightmares

The RH1 came back to life just I was given a shock news, that I have another gruesome injury on my neck :'( , again for be 100% I'll have to undergo brutal medical things :( again 150% alone.

On the other side I do like somebody, but I do feel myself unworthy, I think she deserves better than a faulty guy like me :(

Some news

I stepped out of Facebook, for good.
I do no longer use Twitter even.
And I'm not in Google+

I'm in a very sad mood as years go by and I'm uncapable of finding someone who could make me smile for real, I accepted the fact that I would not be happy unless a miracle it's made (yeah I'm thinking of "All Of I Need Is A Miracle" of Mike & The Mechanics).

I've been playing Diablo 3 like crazy, with some old pal's and some gym pal's however I'm in such state of mind that most likely I'm gonna quit soon.


If something could told of what I would up to without Diablo 3, I'm trying to put together 2 mammoths projects, one it's a Software project, the other one It's perhaps the most ambitious idea that ever crossed my mind an scary thing if I'd reveal it.
Next week I'll have the results of my medical tests I went on Wednesday, let's put it this way, every single people on the damn fuckin' planet gets headfucked when they see it as it's right side of my neck.

I don't know if I'd cross paths again with anyone who reads this blog, because unless you're in my blacklist, the honor will be mine always.


Have a happy life for me

Some Dark Thoughts

After some kinda weird events I ended up buying an Imac and getting a Dell Vostro to fix the next week, I just started to notice how annoying it's Windows 'per se' and how Mac it's easy even for a dumbass like me.

Why do I call myself dumbass?, I'm pretty damn sure I'm not getting nothing the next week, feeling again the emptiness of my soul. Nobody wants to speak to me,  the one I do consider my only friend it's undergoing surgery the 24th and I gotta face up that I'm really worried :( . And last Friday I got at the gym, the greatest betrayal and disrespect of 'em all, making myself singing on my head the John Rebus 'FYTP' as well as a tune from Marillion titled The Uninvited Guest.  I made my choice to end my run when my contract expires in June.

Not so many people could figure it out that some human being I do hate the most from the deepest bottom of my heart because of what that creepy human being did to me back when I was a child, had an argument with me last weekend and somebody I do care supringsly so much than I actually do ever believed asking me to beg that person for forgiveness which I didn't do and I do actually proved my point, that argument is long forgotten now.

I'm also really worried that I do not really know what I'm gonna do with my holidays

I was too fool to realize

I was too fool to realize that I can't pretend to be friend of people I really don't share anything with them.
I was too fool to believe that I could be happy in this city
I'm too stupid to just leave it
At the end of the day, my heart just feels so alone, so much misunderstood that the inner pain, became so big that my mind have to shut it down.
If nothing changes in a big way, my gym term will end when my contract expire in May of this year and I will moving on as I always do: "I walk alone"

It's funny

Got no friends, just Jack
Nobody to talk, only drink
Just when u need a little bit of reassurance
Nobody's up for you
Did some people say I do scare them?
Good for them, tho
I'd rather not be something to somebody who doesn't like, that tiny little things that together form humanity
Somebody told me a long time ago, that I didn't need a relationship because of me
I'm starting to agree more than ever with that statement
Because there's times that when I think of somebody just hurts me so much I'd rather not think about, just to ease the pain of my heart.

I don't know if I'm not going to regret to write this

I don't know if I'm not going to regret to write this, I do not know what It's worse
being drunk
or being a pathetic dreamer like me
I always thought I would live and die alone
Destiny or god or something it's laughing their asses of me
I had to reckon this I never been so good on telling somebody how I feel face to face and I'm scared of ending alone my days
Several months ago, for the first time in 3 years somebody made me truly dream
that someone like me could even have a chance
that's ironic
that's a relief
that's hurts a lot even
because I can't hug her
or even take her hand
or telling her face to face about how much means to me that tiny little conversations we got some nights
they set me back on track, keep calmed, learning to have some hope
Being hit so many times by the so called friends
Being hurt so many times by the so called good friends
I've lost my faith in the human beings
But this woman, not this time, she's the one who makes me smile
I can't remember last time somebody made me smile from my heart
Whatever happens
Whatever life throw up at me
Even If I fall again
I'll always remember your smile

Für Chrissy ;-)

This Is My Joy
Seeing your face
Just a photo a you

This Is My Joy
Feeling Your Smile
Knowing how your good feel us surround the air

This Is My Joy
Making ourselves smile each other
Enjoying ourselves despite being so far away

This Is My Torture
Not being able to hug you

This Is My Torture
Not feeling the touch of your hand

This Is My Torture
Not listening to your heartbeats

This my tiny little gift for your birthday
Along with my best wishes from the bottom of my heart

Just a little improvisation to say thanks

Gracias por estar ahi aunque no pueda sentirte
aunque no pueda tocarte
aunque suspire por una caricia tuya que quizá nunca llegue
porque aún estando los vientos en contra
tu sonrisa sopla y los aparta
todo eso me hace aún más añorarte
Al Loco caballero de raudo corazón, al cual le sacas lo mejor
no sabe como agradecerte
no sabe ya como halagarte
solo sabe que consigues su sonrisa por feo que haya sido el día

Para mi musa

Dos improvisaciones tontas y sin nombre que me aliviaron el corazón al escribirlas y el agobio que sentía en el momento de inspiración en el metro.
Alguien que me dijo una vez que llevase una libreta a mano, la he hecho caso. No obstante por cansancio extremo hace unas noches no recuerdo una mil veces mejor que estas dos.

1)

Because I can’t have you

I Can’t Dream at night

Because I Can’t have you

I’ve got no dreams

So near and so far away

You’re the star of my dream planet

And I can’t find the keys of my rocket launcher to get started

It makes me sad

And only remembering your smile I can carry thru the day

2)

Distance to the sun

Melts my heart

Distance to the sun

Freezes my body

Eats my mind

Drinks my soul

So close

So far away

Dreaming about what could have been

I wake up and I’m lonely

The Lovely ANGRY thoughts

Hello again, my blog

In the eve of my mini holidays in Valencia I just decided to share with you some thoughts I came to a conclusion, thanks to the people.

I'm special, I can't deny it even if somebody tell me that I'm normal, it's not that I'm the one you invite to a party or even to hang out.

There's an inner sense of being abandoned that cannot leave me, this it's so big during the main part of the year that I wonder If I'd ever find somebody to love forever with my soul and my mind, true love, not what people see and experience in ordinary life, for me love it's what my mom's father and mother delivered to each other, I've believed that my grandmother died of sadness, losing her husband (my grandaddy few years back then), something that I can't see outta there on the streets today.

My heart's sometimes it's so black that laughs so hard when there's some headlines regarding some home violence between so called lovers that really cheers me up that day, kinda strange huh, something that I do really think I'll never experience, firing me up to live thru that very day.

Now I divide in categories the women I see around in Madrid in like this, to just having some fun while I'm poking around, i'll add some thoughts:

    Bitch -> Unineuronal woman, dressed to fuck as much men as they can, easy to spot, sometimes could be confused with the Beauty Of This World categories.

    Blackberry Bitch -> If the Blues Brothers live, they would have a song called 'Everybitch needs a Blackberry To Love', while I have nothing against the business/scary Woman as well (a categorie not mentioned, because they're usually married, lol)), this it's something that when somebody has touché and it's not a Bitch, there's better looking opts in smartphone world that perform better and make less trouble to the people, if I'd give a present in form of smartphone to somebody I'd make it so special for him/her to just love my choice every single day it would suit him/her 100% percent.
    Fat

    Ugly

    Old

    Beauty Out Of This World -> well this it's answered by itself, women u can dream of, but you can't ever reach, like people on the other side of the world.

Today I spoke on the phone with 2 friends (fantastic guys btw) that live there In Valencia and what a blast, one of them has an unique virtue as he's
capable of cheering up someone as me with just speaking with him, and I breathe fresh air, something much needed lately.

On Saturday 10th December I'll be watching Ray Wilson playing live in a pub, acoustic and intimate show I guess and it's gonna be a blasT!.




There's some kind of possibilty to review my holidays here, so stay on!.


Next holidays I hope it will different

Cheers!.

About people

I really hate some people, truth to be told I hate almost 95% of the human beings.

They're all envious, they're all selfish, whether they find somebody truly ahead of them, it's mocked and throw away of society because being different and better. I understand now, why Homer has a pencil inside his head, he became stupid to be happy, I wonder if I should try something like that.

Some people says they're my friends, you're not alone and such kind of things, but what they do not know it's that I do only see the void at the end of the day, some of them even told me how brave I'm on being on holidays alone, however it's really scary to hear the noise of your heart and the noise of your thoughts in a dark room when you're lonely, the first two nights you're truly scared and anything could happen, I'm still asking myself:

Why I do resist?

Cheers

Definetly Hate

I cannot express my condolences to the kindred soul I used to be, I am so angry that I know people don't care about me and I don't give a shit for any single human being. The point it's that I'm not involved in some projects due to being prejudiced to somebody on them, I can't forgive people actions in the past, not anymore.

It's funny, I used to think back when I was a child and a dreamer, that I'd be on the way to be sucessful on my 30's and I'm noticing that's not true, that I'm a piece of crap who used to believe in Utopia.

I woke up and it hurts a lot, realizing that I'm gonna be alone, it hurts a lot see people that you don't know, around you happy, it drives me crazy.

Remember, for the ones who considers themselves my friends, please don't ever ask me what I'm really thinking, mostly because it could end badly if I start talking every single piece of hate my soul's got.

Why I can't be happy?
Did I lost my soul, so long ago, back when it was teared apart from me?
Shall I hate forever?

Coulda Woulda, Shoulda

¿Qué debería hacer?
¿Me lanzo a por ella?
¿Me callo y me hundo en los "y si"?

¿Tengo voluntad de cambiar?, ¿Tengo el valor de intentarlo? o aquello de hace tiempo arraigó tan profundo dentro de mi, que estoy tan roto por dentro que no valgo :(

Quizá sea la última oportunidad ...

Soy el más gilipollas

Soy el más gilipollas

Soy el más gilipollas
Soy el más gilipollas
Soy el más gilipollas
Soy el más gilipollas
.... media hora después

¿por que cojones puedo pensar que puede existir alguien que quiera compartir algo que no sea tristeza o egocentrismo conmigo? :(

Al final todo el mundo te decepciona y te la mete, me quedo con mis cacharros al menos ellos no me traicionan salvo que mueran.

Siglo 21, siglo de las mentiras

Siglo 21, siglo de las mentiras.

Aquí estoy sentado en mi teclado, del ordenador, preguntándome después de haberme bebido mi whisky de antes de dormir, ¿por qué cojones tuve que empezar a ir al gimnasio?, ¿por qué cojones tuve las ganas de cambiar?.

Se vive de puta madre en el pasotismo y la ignorancia, que imbéciles son los que me rodean día tras día de continuo a jornada, la bestia se ha despertado y no perdona. Soy incapaz de perdonar mi objetivo ahora es empezar 2012 en otro trabajo.

Una amiga hace tiempo me dijo que quizá yo asustaba a las "mochuelas" porque se me nota inteligente a leguas, yo creo que soy gilipollas a leguas pero bueno, amiga si lees esto: siento el no poder ir a Plasencia, si me vieras ahora que no lucho como cuando te conocí contra los dolores de mi cuerpo, mi mente es mucho más rápida y agresiva proceso mucha más información y es mejor que no vaya. Si alguien quiere expresarlo así he "subido de nivel" (como en Diablo II).

¿Qué jodida satisfacción tiene el ser una rara avis solitaria porque no te queda más puto remedio?, todavía me río de los que me dicen que puta suerte el ir solo de vacaciones, ¿puta suerte ir solo?.

¿Alguien sabe lo que es sostener sus emociones para no desmoronarse psicológicamente?, porque lo primero que piensas y te viene a la cabeza hasta que te tranquilizas una vez cierras las luces es que estás sólo porque no vales una mierda.

Ves que si ya de por si la vida es un desierto hay gente que se reune por el camino pero el resto huyen de tí. ¿Por qué cojones tienes que ir a reirles las gracias si al final del día tu sólo puedes hablar con una pared blanca o una botella?.

Adeu, hasta la próxima entrada

Primer post

He vuelto a caer en bloguear.

He vuelto a caer en la tentación de poder hablar libremente.

He vuelto a caer en poder expresar la soledad de mi corazón.

Hablo con Jack

Al menos me escucha
Al menos no me reprocha

No me echa en cara que sólo le atienda a él
No me echa en cara que no sea capaz de hablar cuando importa
No me reprocha el no saber expresar algo que no sea nada

Mirarla a los ojos cada 3 días me produce alegría
No hacerlo cada 2 me produce dolor

Mi cabeza entera da vueltas tratando de encontrar la respuesta de mi corazón

Entre medias el maldito se levanta
Entre medias el maldito llora
Se levanta e impasible mira la hora